“and now for something completely different”

The Hot Spots: Where to live after retirement

You can live in Phoenix where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can live in New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. Everyone thinks eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in Texas or the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie, buy bait, and order bar-b-que in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, and the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

or you can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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3 Responses to ““and now for something completely different””

  1. neil Says:

    This is funny but you didn’t poke any fun at my favorite part of the country and former home, the Pacific Northwest as in Seattle and Portland. Please revise, I’d love to see your assessments!

  2. david+ Says:

    Bless you Neil: I’ll get right on that. I thought they were significantly absent as well!

  3. Robert Easter Says:

    Pacific Northwest?

    Where somebody can fall off their bicycle, and drown?

    We suntan. They rust.

    It only rains once a year. Starts in September, ends in May.

    Houses have mud rooms, and need them?

    Where a five-inch fern can grow nine feet tall?

    Where the Sasquatch can stay hidden?

    I dunno. Lovely part of the world- greenest place in the US, wonderful folks, and the best coffee shops. (Starbucks is just a knockoff.)


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